I Was 14

Thirteen. A movie directed by Catherine Hardwicke back in the 2003 will definitely be my all-time favourite drama film.

No this isn't another movie critique, nor will I explain to you the content of the film. This post will be about me. And my bunny.

Let's go back to 2008.

When it was Myspace instead of Facebook. When it was blogspot instead of wordpress. When it was PS2 instead of Xbox. When it was Nokia instead of iPhone. When bootcut jeans were considered rather fashionable. When Giordanno hoodies were in and we were jamming to All Time Low (I still do) When everyone was our best friend and we were pretty damn naive.

Here I am, sitting in the very same room yet everything is completely different. The walls are now red instead of baby blue, and the bed isn't facing the window anymore. There are no blankets or pillows on the floor, just used clothes. (My brother really needs to get this room sorted out) The square tv is gone and now replaced with a stack of black plastic boxes my brother keeps his stuff stored in, the ps2 is sitting still, collecting dust on the shelf and here I am sitting with me legs crossed on the very same bed, remembering how it was in 2008.

My best friends would come over every morning before school because at the time, school doesn't start until 1pm. My place was where they would come to chill. They would come over with me still fast asleep on my then single bed, covered up in a thin blanket, with posters of random celebrities on the wall. They would drag my ass off downstairs, eat the freshly baked chocolate chip pancakes my mum made every morning because it was our favourite. We would have pointless conversations which always ended up with us rambling about boys and we would run upstairs to play some video games on the PS2. Since my brother was in boarding school, the room was basically mine. I would lay on the floor, eyes trained on the game and some of you would be on the bed, just browsing through magazines or going through other people's myspace profiles, basically talking shit about anyone we disliked. (which was pretty much everyone)

Our lives revolved around boys. It was always about boys. And sometimes futsal. I remember watching that movie and being so engrossed in it, feeling like I could relate to every scene. I remember you being so infatuated with a boy who you thought was out of your league, so you tried in every way to change the way you were, in order to keep him interested. You would make me reply his texts because that was how boring you thought you were yet you succeeded in making me laugh every day, you would borrow my ipod just so you could go to sports practice and make it seem cool to jog around with an ipod grasped tightly in your palm with earphones plugged in, you started smoking cigarettes because you thought it made you look like a rebel and you thought he would find you more interesting than you already were. 

But one day, you came to my house, hugged me, ever so tightly with tears streaming down your face and said that he left you. You hugged yourself on my bed, rocking yourself back and forth and all I did was feeding you all these comforting lines when I was just 14, I didn't know you deserved better, I didn't know what he was thinking, I didn't know personality mattered, I didn't even know you were insecure. All I knew was that you were my 14 year old best friend, who was drop dead gorgeous, vulnerable and broken, on my single bed. You threw your pink covered nokia phone on my wall and we both just stared at the collateral damage. I remember going home from a gig one day with you guys and everyone crashed at my place, I remember having loud music blasted from the radio with a mixed cd I made, I remember locking my room because "mum you can't come in my room without knocking", yeah. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and you were in the bathroom, sobbing, with a blood stained towel covering your wrists. I remember being shocked and all I did was stare.

I was 14. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. So I brought you back to the single bed, took a new clean towel and told you to go to sleep. I remember not sleeping that night. I remember being worried. But I didn't remember telling you that this wasn't the end. I didn't remember telling you that there is so much more to life. I didn't remember telling you that he was just some dumb fuck who should know that you have a heart made of gold.

But I was just 14, I didn't know better.