When I was 8, a boy told me during religion class that I had Einstein's hair. Being born with natural curly hair was never something I was ever proud of and trusting my grandma to cut my hair was definitely a mistake. When I was 9, during a phone call by the pay phone in school, my supposedly best friend told me that my eyes were too big. I went home and asked my maid if they were and she said I looked perfectly fine. Instead of believing this 30 year old, I went to school with squinted eyes for 2 weeks straight. When I was 11, a friend from my choir speaking group said he could fit 4 fingers on my forehead, casually suggesting that it's huge. I started going to school with a side parting and a fringe. When I was 14, seniors weren't really nice, especially when you flaunt too much attention on yourself (I was asking to be hated) people told me that my jaw was too wide, that I had a face shaped like the moon. I asked my mum if there was something wrong with me but she said, "Alisya, you look fine" but I never believed her, did I? Nope, instead I started staring in the mirror, wishing I was someone else, wishing I could be someone else, always comparing myself to other people, hating god for making me the way I look, hating my parents for their genes, hating these people. I have never felt that I looked good, but all my life, that was all I was obsessed about. I grew up thinking I was unattractive, I grew up thinking that being happy and beautiful meant having a tiny waist, perfect nose, hazel eyes, straight hair, I grew up hating my reflection. And all I ever wanted was to improve, wore all kinds of clothes, tried on every kind of make up, got rid of my curls, did my eyebrows, everything. In order to please myself? Or other people? It wasn't until early of this year that someone pointed out to me that I was shallow. And it never really registered to me that I was, I was as shallow as a wadding pool. I became everything they wanted me to be.
And these things we say to people, that you may assume it's humor to you, it probably isn't to the other person. These things stay in them forever. It's like a scar that you can never get rid of. It's like a sickness of the mind. These people will grow up thinking they aren't good enough and with the many people that show them that maybe they do deserve better, that they are worth the struggle but because of these thoughts, these bad thoughts, they will never feel worthy. And to think that I or you or anyone for that matter could have possibly destroyed another person's life, who the hell are we? What makes us greater than anyone else that we assume we could make someone feel inferior of themselves, feel as though they are a waste of space, that they don't deserve to feel worthy of themselves?
I realize that I wasn't exactly the nicest person in high school. That I have had my fair share of mistakes. I know sorry is no where near enough to make up for having to feel like shit, but as for now, that is all I can offer. I truly am sorry.
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