Dear Anon

An anon on Tumblr asked me today if I have ever loved anyone I have never met before.

I actually sat on my cigarette-stained couch in silence and tried my best to reminisce, to think of a person or anything that would trigger any sort of memory from the past. But nothing comes to mind. Not even a shadow. The past few months of actually really being alone, without any flings or anything, I started to learn a few things here and there. I started to learn how to control my emotions, I started to evaluate my past mistakes, I started to see my flaws and accepting them, I started to learn me. See, people associate being alone as to being lonely. I am alone in the sense that I am not committed to anyone or in other words, being in a relationship, but I have so many amazing people around me, the word lonely doesn’t even come anywhere near haunting me other than the occasional late nights I end up being awake at 4am and Ed Sheeran is playing on my stereo. This is okay. This is normal.

Sometimes I wonder what love is.

All my life, my past relationships were more of something I wanted to have because I wanted to. I have always had a thing for challenges so I don’t blame anyone for thinking I was a bitch, for I was a relationship wrecker anyway. Come to think of it, I have never actually had a relationship that started off as friends, like proper friends where I end up falling in love. Cliche shit. I have never felt that feeling of falling in love with the way he smiles, or the way he reads his book, or how his voice is or how he notices every single thing about me. That corny crap.

Today, we have such a vivid explanation of love.

Love is when you can be who you really are around your partner. But who are you really? Love is when you can make stupid faces with one another. Does this really determine what love is? Does making stupid faces, or just cuddling instead of having sex, or for the fact that he got you a special edition Louis Vuitton bag, do all of this determine that he or she would still feel the same way 5 years down the road. For a person to even throw the word forever around the plate like an unwanted piece of sausage, toying the food with their silver forks, poking on it. Leave forever alone. Because we expect so much from what we read, from what we see, you expect your partner to look a certain way, you expect your partner to do a certain way, so when one does actually show effort in their OWN way, you just end up not seeing it. Why? Because you are too blinded in your shallow definition of love.